American Idol Results: When Eight Become Seven

Yeah, Idol Gives Back was on last night. No, I didn't watch the whole thing. I mean, two-and-a-half hours of utter nonsense? No thanks, I had much better things to do, like hate Donte Greene and win intramural basketball championships. Apparently, Teri Hatcher sang and Miley Cyrus performed twice. Man, too bad I missed it.

Tonight, though, we get back to the business of kicking people off the show. The first thing they do is remind us about Idol Gives Back. I didn't care last night, I sure as hell don't care now. Ryan says they've raised $60 million, which is $16 million less than last year. Until FOX starts donating its advertising revenue, I will continue to be bitterly cynical about this whole thing.

The Top 8 sing a song called, not kidding, "Shout to the Lord." What happens if they don't believe in the Lord? This song is terrible. David Cook is doing some sort of vocal gymnastics behind the chorus. Ooh, and now it's Carly's turn. If I wasn't typing, I would be fast-forwarding.

OK, now there's this montage to "I'm a Believer," and there's a lot of celebrities mouthing along to the song. Carrie's gay friend Stanford! Vinnie Jones! Kobe Bryant with a patch on his face? Dr. Phil? George Lopez? Cat Deeley, I miss you! Michael Chikilis! Some lady grabs her boobs. Classy. That guy from 'The Riches'! Rob Schneider...he's still famous?

Aaaaand, here we go. Results. Brooke is out first...I am really worried for Brooke. She makes a funny joke about maybe being at her sister's wedding on Saturday, and then she's safe!! Yay!

David Cook: Ryan tells him that "[he] looked humble, walking out here tonight." Uh...sure? I often walk humbly. David is safe, of course. Come on, he's the new Daughtry. America isn't messing up this early.

David A. (MY EARS!!) Holy crap, they're getting worse by the week. The screaming, my God. It's not like this kid is Justin Timberlake. Calm down. Duh, he's safe.

After a follow-up report from Forrest Whittaker and his wife, Ryan announces that Jordin Sparks will be performing...WITH CHRIS BROWN!! Wooo! I love this song like whoa. Seriously, everything that Chris Brown has done lately has come into frequent rotation on my iPod. It's like he can do no wrong. He can even make me care about Jordin Sparks.

After a Fordmercial, which involves splatter paint and Michael Johns doing the whitest white-man dance I have seen in ages, it's back to the results. Jason Castro is so stoned. It's not even up for debate today. Ryan asks him a question, and all we get is "Mmmph, idunno, hmmmmph. Brownies? What brownies?" Illegal drugs or not, he's safe. So out of our remaining four (Syesha, Kristy Lee, Carly, and Michael), three are in DANGER. I'm thinking they're going to tell the next person they're safe, which would leave the three in the back to be the bottom three.

And I hope I'm not right, because the next person Ryan calls is Kristy Lee. Yeah, she was half-decent yesterday, but: "Eight Days a Week!" Yodeling! I won't forget it, no matter how many crappy country ballads she sings! Dang, I was right. She's safe. I hate life.

Your bottom three: Michael, Syesha, Carly. I guess it was to be expected. With Michael landing in the B3, only the Davids have avoided the B3 every week.

AHHHH! Hillary Clinton is speaking to me!!! Make it stop!! Whew, it's John McCain...and now Barack! All three presidential candidates tell us to donate, blahblahblah.

What is Randy wearing? Some kind of Hawai'ian shirt? Is he trying to tell us that he secretly misses Jasmine Trias? Wow, that's about as bad as Paula...oh wait, Paula tops him with a beige ruffle-type thing.

Wow, Ryan does the elimination all at once. He tells Syesha and Carly that they're safe, and then does the meanest thing that's ever been done on this show. He says, "Last year at Idol Gives Back, we didn't eliminate a contestant. This year....we will be saying good-bye to Michael Johns." That is harsh, Ryan. Don't give the poor man hope.

Eh, I'm not that shocked. He went first, he wasn't that memorable, and I don't think he had the fanbase that others did. Do I think Syesha, Krsity Lee, and Jason should have gone before him? Absolutely. But at least he gets to sing "Dream On" as his elimination song. The irony there is tremendous.