Eliminations, Beautiful People, and It's Never Too Early for an Emmy Rant

This week, another aspiring pop star/washed-up celebrity faced the long, sad road home without a recording contract/disco ball trophy.

First, Dancing with the Stars said good-bye to Shannon Elizabeth, who lasted much, much longer than any other model/leggy actress before her. She may not have won the trophy, but she did gain a (much younger) boyfriend in her partner, Derek Hough. So what if the relationship dies after three weeks? It was adorable while it lasted. Seriously, though. I really liked Shannon, and though it was clear that she was not going to win, she gave it her all and really improved over the course of her time on DWtS.

Then, last night, American Idol eliminated Brooke White, who had actually gotten progressively worse since her first performance on the show. She hit her high point in Week One with "Let It Be," and went downhill from there. Visibly nervous, she started two songs over and gave many, many shaky performances. But there was still so much to love about her Brooke-ness that you almost didn't mind. I hope she goes on to make lovely, Norah Jones-ish records sitting at her piano.

That leaves us with a fairly solid Top Four, with one glaring exception. Jason Castro is the biggest one-trick pony that ever tricked, and he's sailing through. Next week is the patented BIG SHOCKING ELIMINATION week (See: Grey, Tamyra; London, LaToya; and Daughtry, Chris) so my bet is that Jason and Syesha hang on and one of the Davids goes, clearing the way for the other David to win. We shall see, though. Syesha is verging on Nikki McKibbon territory here, hitting the bottom two every week, but somehow squeaking by. This means she has no fanbase, whereas each of the three remaining men/boys does. Should be a very interesting week...especially because it is "Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame Week" which plays right into David Cook's wheelhouse.

In other news, Jason Taylor, All-Pro linebacker and this week's leader on DWTS, has been named one of People Magazine's Most Beautiful People. Some other familiar faces show up on the issue's preview, including American Idol Carrie Underwood, Comedy Central's Sarah Silverman, Samantha Who? herself, Christina Applegate, Eva Longoria, the entire cast of "Gossip Girl," and a fully-clothed Vanessa Hudgens.

The awards show that absolutely no one cares about, the Daytime Emmys, announced their nominations yesterday. This, of course, got me thinking about the real Emmy nominations, which are announced in just about two and a half months -- July 17th. That date marks "The Wire's" final shot at any significant nominations. They submitted the fifth season premiere "More With Less" and the series finale "-30-" for consideration, but the realist inside me says that if the magnificent fourth season couldn't garner even one cruddy nomination, the somewhat flawed fifth season won't, either. I'm really trying to resign myself to it now, so that I'm only mildly enraged on the morning of the 17th.

I'm two discs and 16 episodes into the first season of "How I Met Your Mother," and I'm pretty much in love with it. Barney is quickly moving up the ranks of my favorite TV characters of all time.

Reality TV Sucks

Duh. Everyone knows it. Except my television professor, the renowned Robert Thompson, who made the case today in class that it should be upgraded from "guilty pleasure" to simply "pleasure."

I still maintain that reality TV is crap, and insultingly stupid crap at that. In class tonight, we watched a 30 minute "greatest hits" reality TV mix, including the final council from the first "Survivor," the reveal of Kelly Clarkson as the first American Idol, and clips from everything ranging from "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" to "Temptation Island" to "Big Brother." After those thirty minutes, I was ashamed of my gender and of my species. This is what evolution and the women's rights movement has brought us to: 20 women parading around onstage in bathing suits for the pleasure of a "multi-millionaire," to determine if they are worthy of marriage.

Some highlights:

From "Who Want to Marry a Multi-Millionaire": Apparently the guy that FOX chose was a huge creep who had a restraining order brought against him by a former girlfriend. So once the scandal broke, he did an interview on NBC's "Dateline." The most offensive bit went something like this:

NBC Man: "Ten women parading around in swimsuits? That's pretty much just a male fantasy, isn't it?"

Sleazeball millionaire: "Well, technically it was 'beachwear.' They could have worn shorts and a t-shirt."

NBC Man: "Would they have won if they wore shorts and a t-shirt?"

Sleazeball millionaire: "Give me a break, man. I am marrying this woman, after all!"

Classy.

From "Bachelorettes in Alaska": The premise was that these single women went to Alaska to find love, because men outnumber women 5-to-1 in Alaska. Here are some paraphrased quotes from the introduction: (Both said by the bachelorettes)

"Gosh, I can't imagine anything worse than being 35 or 40 and being unmarried!"

"I just want to be a baby machine."

My God, seriously? You can't imagine anything...not anything worse than being 35 and unmarried? This is why the rest of the world hates Americans.

Then there was "Joe Millionaire" and the reactions of the women to seeing the castle. "I always wanted to live in a castle!" "This is what every girl dreams of!"

"Paradise Hotel's" tagline: "Hook up or go home."

"Are You Hot?" These people actually had the gall to claim that "dreams will be realized!" in its intro. The dream to be objectified on national television?

Plus, there was the moral mess that was "Extreme Makeover," and all of the shows where women compete for the affections of men. Especially those shows on VH1 and MTV, where the men are old and ugly -- why would a woman degrade herself for that? Is being on a fourth-rate reality show really worth it?

All this is a long way of saying that reality TV celebrates the worst in humanity. I am routinely disgusted to find that people still tune in to things like "American Gladiators," "The Flava of Love 7," and "Big Brother." Hell, even "The Real World," which was unwatchable after the Las Vegas season. I mean, 7 million people tune in to watch Tila Tequila choose her mate and not even 2 million can be bothered to watch the series finale of arguably the greatest show ever? I lose faith in humanity pretty quickly.

Yeah, reality TV sucks.

Oh, man. HAAAAATE.

There's a lot of hate in me right now. There are four things that I like about American Idol this year: Simon, Chikezie, David A., and Brooke. Trying to figure out if Jason and Paula share drugs is just a bonus.

Tonight, "America" (a.k.a. the "Idol"-voting public) took one of those things away from me. And I am very, very angry at it. But first, let's start from the beginning.

Ryan's getting really into this whole "stool vs. sofa" thing. Chikezie's out first -- Bottom 3. Expected, I guess.

Brooke is safe! Carly talks about her (non)pregnancy, and then Seacrest tells her she's safe. David Archuleta explains last night's stage-bouncing by saying, "I had fun and maybe I got carried away." He is exceedingly adorable and also safe. My ears can't take the high-pitched shrieking.

Ryan heads off any controversy by saying that he spoke to Chris Connell, the artist whose cover of "Billie Jean" David Cook ripped off/performed last night, and Connell loved the performance. Whatever. Anyway, the other David is safe.

Syesha is in the bottom three again. Guess I'm not the only one to find her boring.

Michael Johns is safe.

How does Ramiele keep escaping the bottom three? It boggles the mind. Anyway, she's safe.

Kristy and Jason for the last spot in the B3, and....Kristy is safe. Of course she is. Just...ugh.

Jason is in the B3 for like 5 seconds before Ryan tells him he's safe.

And then...and then, Simon utters the single stupidest line ever said on this television show, and that is saying A LOT. He actually says, "Don't underestimate how smart the people are that watch this show."




Wait for it...




......wait for it......





Excuse me...what? These are the people who elevated Nikki McKibbon into third place in season one over Tamyra Grey. In season two, COREY CLARK was a member of the top 12, thanks to the vote of America. Season three? Your final three: Fantasia Barrino, Diana DeGarmo, and Jasmine Trias. Oh, and John Stevens was in the Top 6. Enough said. Season 4 introduced us to Constantine, the single creepiest man this side of Charles Manson, and Scott Savol made the Top 5. Taylor Hicks won season 5. TAYLOR HICKS. And what did Season 6 contribute to our culture? Oh, you know, just Sanjaya and his ponyhawk.

How exactly do you underestimate the intelligence of the American Idol viewer? Please, enlighten me.

Anyway, Chikezie gets eliminated and it sucks. I hate this show.